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Post by Anarchy on Feb 18, 2006 9:33:37 GMT
From C4s the IT crowd
Roy:(singing) We dont need no education...
Moss: Yes you dou, you just used a double negative.
I found it funny.
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Post by Anarchy on Feb 18, 2006 10:49:25 GMT
A couple were invited to a sw*nky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
___________________________________________________________________________
A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and can't help but ask, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
_________________________________________________________________________
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh sh*t," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."
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Post by static anonymity on Feb 19, 2006 12:51:07 GMT
EWWWWW! Ewwww at the costume party one! *shudders*
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Post by Anarchy on Feb 19, 2006 14:23:33 GMT
i cringed a little as well
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Post by Anarchy on Feb 21, 2006 11:41:48 GMT
mary had a little lamb,
she tied it to a pylon,
10, 000 volts went up its bum...
and turned it's wool to nylon!
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Post by static anonymity on Feb 23, 2006 18:26:53 GMT
Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree met on a coach journey.
It was after Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a
Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter and
she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said. "I'm
the one with the Nuts", he thought, then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked into a hotel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr
Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt
the 'contrast of her Double Decker'.
Then he showed her his Curly Wurly.
Ms Rowntree wasn't keen to have anymore Jelly Babies, so she let him
take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard.
He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of fudge.It was a Magic
Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he came out,
his fun sized Mars
Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he decided to take Time
Out.
However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. So he
did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet and gave her a Gob Stopper.
Unfortuately Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.
Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns Ms
Rowntree had been with All Sorts.
VIZ TOP TIPS
Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.
Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker "Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace.
J. T., Thropton.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.
B Villbens, Birmingham.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously "erased."
Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge.
A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at c*cktail parties.
L Traintu, Clarkesville.
Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey. It gives any c*cktail a bit of "oomph."
James Francis, East Glamorgan Hospital.
Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding under the covers.
Charles Holley, Newcastle.
Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.
Ms. G. M. Dowd, Wigan.
Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.
P.Turner, Liverpool L17.
Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it.
D. Treloar, Wandsworth.
A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an ideal "car" for snakes.
G. Dorson, Skipton.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Phil Wasey, Liverpool.
Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes.
D. Stokes, Middlesex.
Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
P.J. Ruddock, London.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.
Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln.
Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about 4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have.
Andy Hodgeson, Manchester.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
S Goldhanger, Fulchester.
Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap.
Mrs M Growitt, Birmingham.
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany.
Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two
plastic buckets.
D. Griffiths, Kent.
Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.
Mr P. Lilburn, Rotherham.
Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have sex without waking her up.
Frank Wilson, Southend.
Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're sh*te at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.
Daphnie Treloar, Cardiff.
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
D Thresher, Wapping.
Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.
B Reastford, Iranville, Notts.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
N. Burke, Manchester.
As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in such emergencies.
Mrs D Bibby, Rugby.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead.
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road.
D. Rogers Hemel, Hempstead General Infirmary.
Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any planes home.
S Goblin, Middlesex.
Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out.
Kate Emblen, Uxbridge.
Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else, instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid b*st*rds.
M Burridge, Newcastle.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
P Raker, Chatham.
Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be worn around the neck.
B Morgan, Criccieth.
Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
D Duckham, Didford.
Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed treatments.
Mr T. Eebly, Warstead.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
P Loft, Gateshead.
I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving. The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have completely forgotten ever owning a car.
Mike Grey, Essex.
Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.
T.C. Jackson, York.
Werewolf enthusiasts. get that "wolfy" feeling every night by simply gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.
J. Bradley, Beeston, Notts.
Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.
A. Sharp, Birmingham.
Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each temple.
Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.
Internet users. Try "accessing" your local newsagents and "download" a few w*nk mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, and easier to smuggle into the toilet.
Carl Hesketh, Blackburn.
A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Nick Jeggo, Adbaston, Staffs.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.
Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player during a powercut.
Howard Urmenyl, Amersham, Leo Sayer country.
Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the blame.
Bastien Phelp, Bath.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
W. T. Conqueror, Hastings.
Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe and a cricket ball.
I. K. Brunel, Bristol.
Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.
C. Custer, Little Bighorn.
Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings.
Neil Davis, e-mail.
Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini "High Chaparral" style branding irons.
J.T. Thropton.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Sister S. Berwick, Blackrod.
Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their holes.
J.T. Thropton.
Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.
Simone Glover, Tottenham.
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Post by Anarchy on Feb 24, 2006 11:58:25 GMT
Ive heard some of those before. But the sweetie one was hilarious. Bless you.
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Post by static anonymity on Feb 25, 2006 22:12:45 GMT
#Angel#
A zoo in Tennessee obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to
handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla
was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Head Keeper thought of Jeff Lee, a
redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Jeff Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but lots of virility.
The Head Keeper thought they might have a solution. Jeff Lee was
approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the
gorilla for $500.00?
Jeff showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept
their offer, but only under four conditions.
1. "First", Jeff said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."The Keeper
quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The
Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third", said Jeff, "I want all the children raised Southern
Baptist."
Once again it was agreed.
4. And last, Jeff said "And I'll need another week to come up with the
$500.00."
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Post by static anonymity on Feb 26, 2006 0:15:38 GMT
An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through
she leans over and says, "I just did a silent fart, what do you think I
should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman ask if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth.
I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa.
It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.
That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*cking map again."
Some largely US Military thinking.
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"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
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"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
- U.S. Marine Corps
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" Contrary to popular thinking Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop
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"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General Macarthur
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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
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"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
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"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
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"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
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"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
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"If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
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"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper once."
- Anonymous
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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
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"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
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"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
- >From an old carrier sailor
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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash"
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"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."
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"Never trade luck for skill."
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
are:
"Why is it doing that?",
"Where are we?"
and "Oh sh*t!"
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"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
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"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant"
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"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
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"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."
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"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
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"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
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"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
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"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."
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Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
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"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
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"Never fly in the same c*ckpit with someone braver than you."
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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,
1970
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to"
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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
near
the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the
appearance
of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much
more
difficult to fly there."
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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power
to taxi to the terminal."
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off
the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the
rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot
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Post by static anonymity on Mar 9, 2006 23:36:16 GMT
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Post by Anarchy on Mar 20, 2006 17:04:48 GMT
a man goes into a police station crying " im handing myself in-"
"what crime have you committed?" the receptionist asks
"I stepped on a corn flake"
"so?"
"im a cereal killer"
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Post by static anonymity on Mar 30, 2006 11:08:20 GMT
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Post by static anonymity on May 26, 2006 21:19:55 GMT
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.
"The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Taffy from Wales, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
Modern Version of the Birds & Bees
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male.
(I was rather disappointed that there was no mention of a 3 1/2" floppy, actually...)
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Post by Anarchy on Sept 25, 2006 9:52:39 GMT
hello again everybody! im using the net at college to communicate. i lost it at home so the only way i'm here is through this.
this one is a bit naughty
'two nuns were being raped down an alley,
the first nun says "please lord forgive this man- for he knows not what he is doing"
and the second nun says- "o my god... this f**ker does"
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Post by Graham on Sept 25, 2006 10:16:20 GMT
...such a lovely joke  Welcome back dude, good to see you around here again  |
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