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Post by Luco El Loco on Jun 10, 2005 18:44:53 GMT
*covers mouth to stifle laughter*
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Post by distortion on Jun 10, 2005 21:02:51 GMT
There's a new major virus going round, it's called West Ham. It'll be Nationwide by next Easter. of course i'm not still bitter....  |
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spleen_queen
Frequent User
worship the purple tree
Posts: 31
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Post by spleen_queen on Jun 11, 2005 9:19:28 GMT
why is a chav like a slinky?
doesnt do much and fun to push down a flight of stairs
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what do you call a chav in grammar school?
trespassing
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what do you call a chav with 9 GCSEs?
a liar
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what do you call a chav in uni?
a cleaner
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what do you call 2 chavs in a car without "music" playing?
under arrest
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what do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
sorted!
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what do you call a chav in a box?
innit!
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Post by Luco El Loco on Jun 11, 2005 14:42:02 GMT
I like the chav in a box one especially.
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Post by Graham on Jul 12, 2005 20:56:52 GMT
Memo to the family dogs..
Dear Dogs,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note: Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food
does not automatically stake a claim for it becoming your food and
dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the other end is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help either because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I'm very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I'm also aware that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximise space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If,
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the kn*b or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for many
years - canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt.
I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and like to Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture (that's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs are better than kids... they eat less, don't ask for money all
the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive
your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends (unless the cat that
also lives here has a cat-nip addiction, but that won't kill him/her).
They don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest
fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars
for university - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
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Post by Luco El Loco on Jul 12, 2005 21:12:20 GMT
"you can sell the children"... LMAO. ;D
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Post by distortion on Jul 12, 2005 21:14:09 GMT
i heard a bad joke about the London bombings today, i won't post it... but how can people make jokes about that so soon? let alone bad ones.
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Post by static anonymity on Jul 16, 2005 23:32:21 GMT
i heard a bad joke about the London bombings today, i won't post it... but how can people make jokes about that so soon? let alone bad ones. Because people use humour as a way of coping with something that has unsettled them? |
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Post by distortion on Jul 16, 2005 23:36:16 GMT
Because people use humour as a way of coping with something that has unsettled them? seems a pretty harsh way of coping to me. |
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Post by static anonymity on Jul 16, 2005 23:40:32 GMT
No worse than burying your head in the sand and refusing to make adjustments, and a fair way better than blaming themselves or others for the actions of a minority.
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Post by distortion on Jul 16, 2005 23:42:40 GMT
No worse than burying your head in the sand and refusing to make adjustments, and a fair way better than blaming themselves or others for the actions of a minority. yes it is worse, its offending people who were affected it by it. sure, if the people involved made the joke then its fine, but when its people who just stand back and make sick jokes about people losing their lives, seems pretty harsh to me. |
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Post by static anonymity on Jul 16, 2005 23:59:30 GMT
yes it is worse, its offending people who were affected it by it. sure, if the people involved made the joke then its fine, but when its people who just stand back and make sick jokes about people losing their lives, seems pretty harsh to me. It's all a matter of perspective and personal tolerances. As a case-study, that kind of coping mechanism isn't any worse: it's simply an inability to face reality for the time-being, as were the examples I highlighted. With regards to it being a joke, it could be just as bad as dead baby jokes or racist jokes or sexist jokes condoning wife-beating. The London thing touched you, it's clear, but other such issues could touch others in the same way. *shrugs* it's all perception, Aaanyway, my all-time favourite joke: Why did the monkey fal out of the tree? Cos it was dead Why did the cat fall out of the tree? Cos it was holding onto the monkey. Why did the tree fall over? Cos it thought it was a game. |
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Post by static anonymity on Oct 7, 2005 19:39:24 GMT
*resurrects*
One from Jack Dee:
What's green and shags old ladies?
Me and my lucky green raincoat
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Post by static anonymity on Oct 7, 2005 19:40:37 GMT
One of those "groansome" dad jokes, from, erm, my dad, actually:
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to
Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about
being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin
turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish
could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and
behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a c*cktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn c*cktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a
shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set
off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me,
Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me.
You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back
"No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed... I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian"
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Post by static anonymity on Oct 13, 2005 20:14:21 GMT
Another from me dad:
"Here some handy tips for everyday:
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Always poo at work, not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat b*st*rd.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, and then read the rest in random order.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive."
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