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Post by static anonymity on Oct 13, 2005 20:19:13 GMT
Ageing Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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Post by static anonymity on Oct 19, 2005 12:22:25 GMT
An elderly Jewish woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things." "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer wont be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp House, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lion says: "Excellent! Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."
Children are playing in the playground and then they come in to class.
Teacher says to the first child "Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?"
Becky replies "I have been playing in the sand box".
"Very good" says the teacher. "If you can spell "sand" on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit".
Becky duly goes and writes "sand" on the blackboard.
Teacher then says "Hello Freddie, and what have you been doing in your playtime?"
Freddie replies "Playing with Becky in the sand box".
"Very good" says the teacher. "If you can spell "box" on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit".
Freddie duly goes and writes "box" on the blackboard.
Teacher then says "Hello Mohammed. Have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?"
"No" replies Freddie, "I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing stones at me".
"Oh dear" said the teacher. "That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. I tell you what, if you can spell "blatant racial discrimination" on the blackboard, you can have a biscuit!"
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Post by static anonymity on Oct 19, 2005 16:48:48 GMT
A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. fter several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day bonking the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."
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Post by distortion on Oct 24, 2005 16:09:59 GMT
What's the difference between Bird Flu and Aston Villa?
Bird Flu got into Europe.
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Post by Luco El Loco on Nov 30, 2005 17:49:14 GMT
How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her.
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Post by distortion on Nov 30, 2005 21:34:48 GMT
Saddam Hussain gets found guilty by the court in Iraq and is sentenced to death by firing squad.
"Any last requests before you are shot?"
"Can Peter Crouch take the shot?" says Saddam.
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Post by static anonymity on Dec 1, 2005 19:35:16 GMT
Virus Alert
Red Alert!
This message is being sent to warn of a very dangerous virus currently being circulated. The virus is capable of being passed electronically, orally and by hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, you're boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into Contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).
The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it, the next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Warn 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is DEADLY (Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).
Update 18-05-05:
After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.
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Post by static anonymity on Dec 1, 2005 19:37:30 GMT
Q: Do they have Christmas in Cambodia?
A: No, but they may hang Glitter this year
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Post by Graham on Dec 4, 2005 23:22:32 GMT
Virus Alert Red Alert! This message is being sent to warn of a very dangerous virus currently being circulated. The virus is capable of being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, you're boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into Contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it, the next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. Warn 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is DEADLY (Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster). Update 18-05-05: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application. That's great  |
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Post by static anonymity on Dec 20, 2005 16:36:31 GMT
Following questions and answers were collated from last year's
British GCSE exams. (16 year olds)!
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water
tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the
moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins
in this fight.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax
and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the
borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity
contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand
its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
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Post by Luco El Loco on Dec 20, 2005 18:49:42 GMT
Those are bloomin' good. |
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Post by Luco El Loco on Dec 21, 2005 12:37:35 GMT
The Frog and The Man
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint.
"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?"
The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story.
"Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope."
The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this, go deep into the forest. You will find a pond.
In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me?
When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest.
He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter.
"WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!"
But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again.
"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter.
The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment.
Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you?
"NO, NO, NO!!!"
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Post by Anarchy on Feb 16, 2006 19:45:18 GMT
an octopus grows up very close to its owner who is a music teacher. One day the owner of the octopus was practising the piano but needed to go toilet, so he goes into the the bathroom, and hears a tinkle (cheap laugh) so he zips his fly and rushes downstairs only to find his octopus playing the piano. Amazing he thinks so he takes it over to a lab in the us to show som scientists. the octopus crawls into the room and there in front of him is a piano, a violin, a banjo and a flute. The scientists observe the octopus and he plays each instrument perfectly. The man who is in the room with his pet starts smiling "im gonna make millions" he thinks. the scientists are amazed but one of them wanted to throw a spanner in the works so brings in some bagpipes. "no problem" the owner says. after 20 seconds of the octopus fidding with the bagpipes the owner asks his pet "ermm why arent you playing it?" "playing it?!" the octopus replies "when i find out how to get its clothes off im gonna shag it!"
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Post by Luco El Loco on Feb 16, 2006 21:47:05 GMT
That is flipping priceless! |
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Post by Anarchy on Feb 17, 2006 13:34:15 GMT
so priceless worth blessing me?
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