The Jokes Thread

[Random Precision]

Right, everyone loves 'em, so put down what ones you've found that are funneh, or even the bad ones if you must...

Ill start:

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that it was a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a genie!"

"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were surrounded by beautiful women."

***POOF***

The Arab is turned into a Tampax.

The MORAL of the story is: Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached.

[Random Precision]

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom, one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed preparing for a quickie by sliding a condom on.
In attempt to hide his condom-covered erection, Johnny's father bent over as if to look under the bed.
"Whatta ya doin', dad?" Little Johnny asked.
"Uhhhh . . . I thought I saw the cat go underneath the bed," his father quickly replied.
"Really, Dad? Whatta ya gonna do, screw it?"

[Random Precision]

This one's a bit..erm...non-pc, but i liked it...feel free to tell me if its too bad !

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas.
Iv ben a good Boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How 'bout I send you a freakin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
_____________


Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire
truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your freakin house. Then you'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with!
Santa
_____________


Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd
like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please
see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
_____________


Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes,
a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Francis...FRANCIS! Who the hell names their kid "Francis" nowadays? How 'bout I get you a Barbie and Ken doll FRANCIS! ...hahahahahahahahaha. Tell me Francis, do you get punched in the face alot in school? hehehehehohoho
Santa
_____________

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year?
Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
You must be a major DORK. Don't you read the freakin' tags
you little loser? All toys get made in China! I have a
condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing
c*cktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at
the craps table. And NO you little dweeb - reindeers can't
fly. But they sure taste good with A-1 sauce!
Santa
_____________


Dear Santa,
I really, really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please PLEASE!
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but
that stuff don't work up here. You're getting a sweater
again. Are you by any chance related to Francis?
Santa
_____________


Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're
getting your ass beat at school. Secondly, you don't live
in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in.
Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do,
through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
Santa

[Graham]

That. Was. Spectacular.

[Luco El Loco]

The Santa ones I've seen before... not bad. I really like the Arab one. Superb!

[Graham]

Can you think outside of the box?

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a
bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could
only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a
job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you
should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once
saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again. The
candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up
with his answer.


WHAT DID HE SAY?
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let
him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the
bus with the woman of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations.
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."


However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over to put her out of
her misery, pleasure the perfect partner against the bus stop and drive
off with the old friend for some beer.

[Luco El Loco]

Mwa ha ha... me likes that one. ;D

[Graham]

a dirty one for ye all

In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 14 year old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor.
Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex."

The madam says, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally."

So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering.

Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave, I'm going to give you a manicure."

Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the main street. Billy Bob is acting a little shy. so the madam smiles and says,

"Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?"

"Yes ma'am the boy stammers, "You're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."

[Graham]

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor.
The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."
Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository.
She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository.
Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!"
"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.

"No... I just realised that the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!"

[Luco El Loco]

[Anarchy]

hahahhahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah ;D
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heres mine- (im really sorry if i offend any blondes)
a blond lady walks into an electrical store, asks the clerk,
"how much is that T.V?"
"sorry, we dont serve blondes"
offended the lady goes home and dies her hair brown and puts on a pair of spectacles-she returns to the store
"how much is that T.V?"
"I'm sorry-we dont serve blonds"
she walks out thinking 'O.K he can remember my face'
that night she got her hair cut an coloured red and in the morning she put in a pair of coloured contact-lenses and went to the store and asks the same question to a different clerk
"we dont serve blondes"
"how did you know that Im blond?"
"Coz thats not a TV you div" (wait for it)
"Its a fecking microwave!!!" ;D

[distortion]

i know this thread's a bit old, but it seemed pointless to start a new one just for this crap of a joke..

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE BACON TREE

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death.

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all
of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon,
double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can
imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no
meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens
up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded
but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree.............
Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees, a Ham Bush"

[Luco El Loco]

Not bad. ;D

[*headdesk*]

A man is away on a business trip, and he calls home to speak to his wife, but he hears the voice of his seven-year-old son answer the phone.

"Heya," said the man. "Can I speak to mummy please?"
"She's busy upstairs right now."
The father was a bit confused by the boy's remark. "Why, what's she doing?"
"I'm not sure," the child said, "but she went into the bedroom with the postman half an hour ago and they haven't come out yet."

There was a pause whilst the father took in the gravity of what was being said to him. After what seemed to be an eternity, the jealous feelings of infidelity toward his wife came to the surface and he came to a grim conclusion.
"Okay, this is what I want you to do: there is a shovel in the shed. I want you to take it, go up to the bedroom, and bash the two people in the room with it until they stop moving."
There was a pause for a few minutes in which distant screams and pleas could be heard from another room, but eventually they stopped. The little boy hurried downstairs again and went back to the phone.
"OK daddy, I've done that. Now what?"
"Right, what I want you to do is to take their bodies downstairs and out into the garden. Use the shovel to dig a big hole to put them both in, then cover them over with the soil again."

Once again, the little boy could be heard dashing up the stairs, and heaving two bodies down the staircase. There was another quiet period that lasted about ten minutes, through which there was a faint sound of digging in the background. The man felt bad about what he had made his son do, but he knew this had to be completed.
"Okay daddy, I'm finished," said the little boy, sounding out of breath. "Now what do you need me to do?"
"Erm, that's it, I think," replied the man. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm OK, but I'm a bit dirty. There's blood and dirt all over my clothes and in the bedroom."
"Right... go to the kitchen, you should find a bucket, a scrubbing brush and some cleaner. But some hot water into the bucket, and scrub at the stain marks, to try and get the worst of it out."
Once again, there was a flurry of distant activity, and a bit later the boy returned to the phone, sounding totally exhausted.
"Okay daddy, I've done that, but my clothes are really messy right now."
"Can you put them in the washing machine?"
"No, I can't, bacause I don't know how to work it."
"Well, tell you what, change into some clean clothes, put those ruined ones into a plastic bag, tie it up really tightly and throw it into the pond at the top of the garden."
"But daddy, we don't have a pond!"

The man was confused by this remark, and slowly he asked the boy: "Erm... this is 628 4780 isn't it?"

[distortion]

;D